So a while, back… a while… .back. Like February of 2015 (over a year ago) we heard there was going to be a C-3Po comic. Wow! We thought, something in the homage to droids perhaps? Something very memorable for the chatterbox etiquette droid that is usually relegated to a side shot with readers or watchers hoping he’ll shut up so we can learn more plot and/or watch special effects.

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Awesome! We’ll get it in August! Sweet! Oops delayed until September? OK still sweet! Wait… October? … wait December? Wait…. Ja-

C-3P0 credits

Writer: James Robinson

Arist: Tony Harris

Letterer: VC’s Joe Caramagna

Cover: Tony Harris

So I would say I’m glad to see this comic released but to be honest I had totally forgotten about it. I’m not a huge lover of droids but I’m actually a fan that likes the chatterbox goldenrod for comedic relief. So back in February of 2015 I was like cool I’ll pick it up.

C-3P0 AWhen I heard it was delayed later in the fall of 2015 I figured… well OK I can wait there’s like 3-4 other Star Wars titles out there. When Fall turned to Winter I thought about the missing comic about the protocol droid but I figured it had came out and had missed it.

So back in February of this year (2016) I googled it up to see when it came out. It had been a year since it was rumored at and over 5 months since it was supposed to originally release so it was out now, I mean it had to be right?….

Wow… so apparently it was delayed again and again. When it finally was announced it was hitting stands last week I chuckled. Remembering back in February when I was searched for it and learned it had been delayed again. Remember this comic was hyped to tell the tale of what happened with 3Po and how he got his red arm. Originally this comics was to be out BEFORE The Force Awakens released and make it a tie-in. BEFORE TFA WAS TO BE RELEASED. Sighs.. so the movie came out tons of dollars were pocketed into the corporate mouses overflowing suit jacket to which I wish was my own jacket full of bills to make it rain at the local gentlemen’s establishment on a young student working on her nursing degree while learning anatomy first hand-. But no hands!… they toss you unless you tip the champagne room’s bouncer to take a hike for a few minutes.

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Ok enough rambling, so C-3PO has released and to be honest I was wanting … more… for waiting over HALF A YEAR delay. The story starts with no opening scroll which I believe is a first for the new canon comics unless I’m mistaken. Anywho we open the story with a Resistance ship crashing on some planet. We see 3P0 and a slew of other droids leaving the ship (with only 3P0 caring if the humans had gotten off) and then the ship explodes. Stranding the 6 droids in this unknown planet’s fearsome environment. The crew of 6 consists of 3P0 of course, a PZ99 droids (think PZ4C0 casted in Braveheart makeup) a contruction droid named 5CO34 that only says its name and that he’s a construction droid…. hmm ok. Then something that looks like a cambot droid named VL44, and a very similar to ESB medical droid named TOMED2. But Rez that’s only 5 can’t you count. No you arsehole, I’m not literate enough to! If my phone didn’t have speak & spell this whole article would be written by my 6 yr old cousin who loves Star Wars and Darth Vader… yes he loves him because he’s evil *thinks*…. hmmm actually I may do that one day down the road seeing as there’s no way a 6 yr old knows copywrite or labor laws.Gabes awesome pic

Anyways back to this slowly depressing story. The 6th droid is a First Order droid that’s been captured named Omri. The name was oddly familiar, when I researched it it came back to me. While Hebrew named in Star Wars is nothing new (see Rebels cast) I hadn’t expected to see it in a 1 shot about C-3P0, not bad.

So this First Order droid which like some of the others is modeled after a familiar droid base as in the Death Star/Jawa crawler droid has some philosophical thoughts regarding a droids existence and consciousness that he bats back and forth with 3PO. All the while the subplot to the entire story is… wait for it… Admiral Acbar’s been captured and they think the droid knows where he is…C-3P0 C

So back to that philosophical discussion between Omri and 3PO… WAIT WHAT THE FUCK!? ADMIRAL ACKBAR WAS CAPTURED? When the hell?! Why the Fuck didn’t this take front and center in the plot. Shit balls fuck… ITS A TRAP! …*rage breathing like Mel Gibson*…

So let me get this straight you’re using Admiral Ackbar who I agree was a comedic choice for a fishy-sailor-captain in ROTJ (yes i went there w/that yuck) but he’s since gained a lot of presence in the EU and in fandom as a fan favorite and were casually going to have him captured by the First Order and not have/show/ellude to any of that prior to this story… whew… ok. Lets calmly return to the review.

 

So the droids are on a trek to find some homing beacon that will hopefully get them to a transport so they can interrogate Omri “Life servant” into spilling the beans as to where Ackbar’s held. Well the trip to the beacon from the wrecked Resistance ship takes a while and this planet has wildlife that loves to eat droids. MMMM tasty. 1st they encounter a bunch of McQuarrie Dagobah spiders that 3P0 calls spice spiders.

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I can’t remember if they existed in the old EU, possibly after the early 2000’s as I had fallen off the SW bus back then for Real life shit so I may have missed it but they weren’t no Assemblers that’s for sure. They’re waaaay more boss these spiders… btw I fucking hate spiders. Fucking Hate THEM. But I can deal with Assemblers to a point. Now these Dagobah rejects that also were seen in a different form in Rebels a few weeks ago I can live without.

So  Pz99 goes out blasting like a true gangsta before the spiders tear him up? I doubt they eat him since they are organics and he’s metal but hey sharks in the sea will occasionally bit a boat up for some food so meh whatev’s.

The others run from the spidey-horde and get to saftey just in time to reach a river where Constructo-bot makes himself into a bridge…. wtf? I mean I guess? So he’s apparently the red headed illegitimate love child between Devastator and GiJoe’s Bridge Layer and makes a bridge for the other 4 droids to cross.

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But surprise more danger! The medical droid gets wrapped up while crossing the bridge by the tendrils of some sea serpents thing and other nasty fish monsters and gets chomped. Then as 3po tells the rest to run his arm gets wrapped up by the tendrils but thankfully that evil First Order droid Omri holds 3p0 back from getting pulled over the side of the bridge and it only rips his arm off… whew… plot device 1 check now to find the red arm for number 2. So anyways 3p0, VL and Omri make it across to the other side of fishy monster river but Contruction droid sinks or is pulled down into the water or something. At this point I couldn’t seriously give a flying F. Since it’s clear this is going to be a soul-survivor BS w/a slight twist of some kind of sacrifice or betrayal near the end as all cliche shit is… lets see if I’m wrong.

Then as they trio of droids literally make it to the other side of the now sinking construction droids bridge VL is mistaken for a GoPro and some organic flying drones pick him up to see if they can snatch some awesome areal view of Pinewood for EPVIII.  We assume VL is destroyed because these organic flying things are hairy and I guess bad? I mean we don’t know anything except they give free flights. Maybe VL’s chillin like a villain in their hairy nest somewhere taking baby footage for future litters of hairy flying creatures families.C-3P0 F

So we’re only left with Omri and 1-armed Goldenrod. Ahem.. well anyways Omri gets back to talking about memory wipes and the droid philosophy stuff and 3P0 has a panel where he remembers stuff from before a previous memory wipe like images of a city in the sand. But before Omri can pry into it acid rain starts to fall true acid rain luckily 3p0 and Omri make it to the solar panel of a downed First Order Tie and hide under it but they know it’ll dissolve eventually to but they are just a few meters away from the homing beacon… here it comes folks…

So even though being a First Order droid Omri he gets all sentimental and tells 3p0 he he’s going to transfer the location of CAPTURED ADMIRAL ACKBAR saying he is not choosing programming he’s choosing friendship. I won’t go into a tirade about friendship but let’s just say… OK. cool. Let’s leave it at that.. Rez’s blood pressure is already way to high at this point from reading this book that if I was going to get into over a droid’s friendship I … no… nevermind…

Anyways Omri goes and gets the beacon from one of the downed First Order Ties. As he does the acid rains hard on him (didn’t think to tear a chunk of kool-shade off for a partial umbrella eh did ya Omri? dummy) and he learns he had one of his arms paint dissolve revealing him to be red at one point. Well apparently the red paint was the only acid resistant part because as he gets back to the solar panel he falls apart from the acid and gives 3p0 the beacon. Damn good on the timing to because  POE and BB8 are seen landing with a Resistance/First Order looking lander in the background as Omri falls into scrap hulks even though the beacon was in yelling distance from the Tie or the lander… good job on unneeded sacrifice Omri… non koolshade umbrella using droid would have saved your self had you thought of it for 3 seconds instead of worrying about a droid consciousness.

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Here’s the thing 3PO takes the unmelted red arm to replace his own with we assume but the Acid Rain has stopped because Poe and BB8 are on the scene almost immediately and we know they couldn’t have waited long for the rain to stop since 3p0’s shelter under his Tie Wing would have dissolved and melted him to. So I guess Omri’s sacrifice was dumb and he’s now in droid heaven… or droid hell not sure about that. I am sure that I didn’t like this story that well.

In the final scene of the issue 3PO stands looking out the viewport of a Resistance ship with the reflections of the droids that were junked back on that planet. … … … Now, I hope that Tony Harris was doing it for a reflection of 3PO’s thoughts of the adventure there and not trying to imitate the iconic painting by Lee Teter of a Vietnam veteran at The Wall memorial.

Not that I’m offended, more like annoyed if that was the fact. Being raised by a ‘Nam vet who was unapologetic in his way of raising his children (i.e. my brother and I) regarding Vietnam’s truths in hypocrisy and in horrors that happened there. I know well what it took for some men just go look at The Wall let alone talk of the experiences there. I’ll just say I hope he wasn’t trying to mimic that rather then 3PO’s own retrospective.

Maybe maybe this issue would be better for a childrens or young readers book. I mean we waited 6 months longer for a story my brother and I made up in the back yard about Luke attacking Darth Vader’s mountain fortress and him being the only survivor…. again I need to remain calm… blood.. .pressure… gah.

Anywho the art was … decent. Writing… eh not terrible as I’ve ever seen. Had this released in September i’d have given it the benefit of the doubt without seeing TFA and it may have scored a solid 7. Half a year later and well past TFA well I’ll let it be unknown since I’d take 2-3 ranks off just for the lateness if this was the issue. I mean what the heck were we waiting so long for… the art to be finished? Jeebus. I mean the story is hella dialogue heavy at the beginning because of 3p0 but after the wait I was expecting more. barkley terrible.

Again not…. not…not… …  …. ….. ………………. ………………….

-Rez

 

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